Written by: DropDeadDiva
“Well, I’ve been a bad, bad girl…” And so Fiona Apple’s song “Criminal” starts.
If you ask me how many men I have slept with, I would have to say I honestly don’t know. There was a point in my life na naging pakawala ako for mga 2-3 years. I was counting at first but then I lost count and just threw caution to the wind.
I was 20 when I first had a boyfriend, but considering that it was an LDR (long-distance relationship) I guess that doesn’t really count. Pero it felt real for me at that time. We were on and off for 2 years, and when we broke off dahil nga sa distance and communication problems, that’s when my downward spiral began. I was 22, not in a relationship, and things just got lonely so I frequented chat rooms and posting ads on chat TV because of the loneliness. I guess you could say I was looking for love in the wrong places, but at that time it didn’t matter. Did I mention I’m fat? So I guess that played a factor too, because I wanted to be accepted. I remember going out with a guy once and he told me while we were having coffee sa Starbucks that the only reason he wanted to meet me was because he never fucked a fat girl before and wanted to try. Anyway, he wasn’t a good fuck so why bother doing it again.
I remember having read a few chapters of Kerry Cohen’s “Loose Girl: A Memoir of Promiscuity” and in more ways than one I related to the author. Being wanted became my greatest hope. Gradually, hooking up with the boys/men became a need, a way to boost my declining sense of self-worth.
I don’t remember how it started. I don’t remember every encounter. There were some I wanted to forget and still some I “quite fondly” remember.
I remember a few funny moments too. There was this one time I decided to meet with a guy sa Jollibee Kalentong. I lived in Bacood at that time and he lived in San Juan so meeting in Kalentong was perfect for us. I knew something was already off when I saw him and noted that I was about 2 inches taller than him. My height is average at 5 feet and 2 inches. So that would make him around 5 inches tall give or take. It’s a good thing that I don’t wear heels.
Anyway, so we walked all the way to his apartment, which was mga 2-3 blocks din from Kalentong. When we reached his place and immediately after locking the door, he immediately grabbed me and kissed me sa leeg.
“Oh my.. Ang bango mo.. Kanina pa ako tinitigasan sa pabango mo,” he said. “Wait.. Wait muna..” I said. I was actually having second thoughts at that time about sleeping with him. I just had this bad feeling that things weren’t going to turn out okay. But he paid no heed and just continued kissing me, this time sa lips – sloppy kisses and wet ones. I don’t like sloppy kisses. Before I knew it, he pushed me to his bed and pumaibabaw agad sya sakin, still kissing my lips, cheeks, neck, shoulders. “I am horny for you,” sambit nya.
“We’re still dressed. Wait lang, let me take my clothes off.” Sabi ko sa kanya. “No need. Pwede na to,” sagot naman nia sakin. I was wearing a skirt at that time so it was easy for him to take off my black panties. Nililis nia lang palda ko. I thought he was going to finger me first or play with my clit to make me hornier and wetter pero he started undoing his belt and then his pants. He just pushed his pants way down his knees and then did the same thing with his boxers. “Oh my,” I said in my mind when I saw his cock and I watched him put on a condom. Are my eyes deceiving me?? Sinlaki lang ata ng pinkie (little finger) ko! I didn’t have much experience with guys at that time and he was probably the fourth guy I have seen naked waist down. His manhood, or should I say littlemanhood is jutting out ready for the fight of its life. To be honest, I was disappointed. I didn’t think I’d be having it that small! Parang yung purefoods cocktail lang sya. And I wondered tuloy siguro if di sya fully aroused it would look like a button! Ang sama-sama ko, ano? Pero that’s what was really going through my mind.
I remember tuloy asking a close friend in college once if size matters. She told me it doesn’t, and it’s the performance that counts. I certainly hoped that time that my friend was right.
Back to my story, so pumaibabaw na sia sakin and said, “I want to fuck you na. You made me so horny with what you texted earlier.” And I remembered I did sent him steamy text messages earlier that day. In short, nilandi ko sya sa text. Kumagat naman.
“Here goes nothing,” sabi ko sa isip ko. So he positioned himself and started to enter me and I waited for it. Nothing. Pero bat ganun? Parang iba na facial expression nia? Tapos he’s starting to pump.
Sabi ko, “Wait, di pa ata naipasok.”
“Ohhhhhh… nasa loob na.. Ang init mo.. Ang sarap..” sabi nia.
Bat ganun?? Eh I don’t feel a thing pero parang namimilipit sia sa sarap? So I looked at where our bodies are supposedly connected. And I finally found out what was wrong. I sort of had my thighs together that time so when he supposedly “went inside me” it was actually “inside my inner thighs” and not my pussy!
Oh my god this is soooo funny! And I wanted to laugh out loud. Honest to godness, I was starting to actually burst into laughter. And when I look at his face parang nasa Seventh Heaven sia sa sarap. So I did the most noble thing I could muster to do, I faked it and just closed my eyes and prayed it to be over.
A few seconds and inner thigh pumps later, he came. Pagod na pagod sia. “Ang sarap mo… Grabe…” sabi nia sakin. Isang mahabang “hmmmnnn” lang yung sinagot ko. He stood up and went straight to his bathroom to dispose of the rubber, and I was left sa bed almost bursting to laugh. I can’t believe this happened to me!
But it did, so there you go.. Funny story though. Eto pa, we walked back to Kalentong.. Ang while we were walking, nakaakbay sia sakin and kept telling me over and over that it was good fuck and he had a great time and asked me if I enjoyed it and if he was good in bed. I just smiled sweetly, neither nodding or saying no. And to definitely finish the day off, nanghiram pa sakin ng 20 pesos pamasahe to go to Quiapo because he was meeting his friends, 500 pesos daw kasi pera nia. Walang barya. So I gave him 20 pesos. That was definitely one funny encounter! And I paid him 20 pesos for one lousy thigh-pumping event.
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